‘Wanted’ = Super Lame.

Below is a testament on how to ‘literally waste’ 110 minutes of your life and never regret it more.

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Watched ‘Wanted’ last night.

‘Wanted’ is directed by Timur Bekmambet, the 47 yr old Russian-Kazakh film director of such classics like, Nightwatch and Daywatch. It was released in the UK on the 25th June. Hmmmm, sounds promising…

Nope.

Somehow as if by black freakin’ magic, Bekmambet managed to convince the usually flawless Morgan Freeman, a cardboard cut out of Angelina, the ‘up and coming/far too eager’ James McAvoy, Terence Stamp ‘of every boys film ever’ and, if your still with me, hip-hop rapper/Hollywood whore Common(??!?!), to star in this film.

It must be pixie dust ‘cos God only knows how he pitched this one to them, but I reckon it went exactly like this:

TB – “I’ve got a good film wanna be in it?”

MF/Cb c o o A/JM/TS/C – “What’s it about?”

TB – “Assassins, a magic ‘Loom of Fate’, a faculty and mud baths and I wish this was really the Da Vinci Code and adaptation from a comic and his dad lived next door all along and the tapestry and angelina can bend over on top of trains and action film and shoot round corners and Common’s role is utterly pointless and Castles and flying people and totally gash and blowing up assassins with rats and killing your dad and shooting through trains and Terence Stamp is a bullet guru (??) and wasting my life and donuts and angelina is a messed up kid who goes nuts – nothing new there and windows smashing all trendy like and waaaay too long and pillars and angelina gets naked (obviously) and 4 miles away and completely rubbish”

MF/Cb c o o A/JM/TS/C – “Yes, yes, yes. This sounds like the best career move since Lindsay Lohan decided that mutilated hooker film was a good’un. We’re in“.

And that’s pretty much it.

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Don’t waste your time watching this, unless you’re under 20, male and a bit retarded. Excessive, ridiculous, tedious, predictable, badly written and acted worse, the only good thing about this film is James McAvoy’s American accent and the fact Morgan Freeman says “Mother F**ker” – Has he ever sworn before? I bet he hasn’t…

Gutted if you paid to see this…